Don’t ask = Don’t say
Shaking my head in disbelief.
I didn’t know that’s how things worked around here. Guess I can adopt that rule as well then.
Seething. 😡😡😡
Two halves don’t make a whole
… At least, when it comes to people. One thing I have been told and later came to understand is that an incomplete person will not find completeness in a relationship with another incomplete person. Issues don’t go away in a relationship; in fact they are magnified tenfold. Insecurities don’t vanish with the presence of someone who accepts you exactly for who you are. It may get a temporary reprieve, but it will always be lurking in a corner of your heart, waiting to spring out with the arrival of anything perceived as a threat to the relationship.
I think the key in any relationship is not finding someone with the most possible strengths and least possible flaws. What you need is someone who complements your character and personality. Someone who provides a wonderful sense of companionship like no other. Someone whose strengths appeal to you so much so that you can overlook their flaws.
D and I don’t get to spend a lot of time together because of his commitments, but today we managed, or rather, he managed to pull off a (kinda) impromptu date. As I walked by his side out of the museum to get dinner, I thought about how much we complement each other. Through our interactions with others, d and I have come to realise certain traits we can’t stand in a person, in the context of relationships.
In the context of a relationship, I cannot stand the pretentious, showy ‘gentlemen’, the aimless, the money-minded, the selfish, the manipulative, the inconsiderate and men who hold their desires above someone else’s values and beliefs. And quite recently, I have realized I cannot stand men who attack other’s characters relentlessly. All these traits are like a repellant to me.
That’s quite a long list.
The point of this is: I have just described traits that the person I am currently with doesn’t have. And I wonder: Do we adapt ourselves to our partners? I think the person we are happy with do not have these predetermined ‘undesirable’ traits we were adamant not to accept, but being with them makes us realise traits that are equally important to us too.
In conclusion, this is my acquired definition of Complement : A combination of wistfulness materialized and learned preferences.
I’m not sure if I just made sense.
Of all the emotions in the world,
I think I understand loneliness best.
And now I wonder why I am wanting to commit to a lifetime of loneliness.
My heart is tied
To a bag of stones.
Everyday sinking, and I feel the strain of the weight. If someone were to ask me why, I would say that I never thought the two biggest parts of my life would end up the way they are now - adjacent, pulling at each other in separate directions.
I would give up anything for them in a heartbeat. Drop some dreams, make other plans. I already have. And I don’t mean just being a lesser version of what I want to be - I mean completely changing paths. Because the sacrifice will be worth it. Because everything else seems minuscule and fades in comparison. I won’t even feel the loss, because what I gain is far more.
I would do anything. Because doing anything would be better than right now where I can’t move forward but yet I am never turning back.
I don’t think anyone would understand.
Many words can describe these ‘dreams’, but I never thought ‘burden’ would be one of them. It cut deep, it really did. The heart sank a little further. Maybe one day it will become deadweight, and I won’t feel anything anymore.
About 3 years back, I took a huge fortress-like wall down. But sometimes now, I wish it were back up again to act as a shield once more.
I don’t know what to do. But I am tired. And so I shall sleep. Problems, I am begging you to not infiltrate my dreams.
Back to the beginning.
I am where it began. The benches are the same, the view is as I remembered, I think even the stars are aligned the same way.
But how far I have fallen. How far everything has fallen. I think sheer existence has never required such an effort. Breathe in, breathe out, tell me all of your doubts.
The lights are on in some houses like they were that night. I used to come down by myself and look into each house, marveling that within each window there is a space within which a family is built.
I feel like I am in a corner. Backed into a corner. I can’t move I can’t escape I can’t react. I can’t be the idealist I am. I’ve been questioned I’ve been challenged I’ve been called things.
But I just want to live. I don’t want to survive. That’s not enough. People always say I am foolishly optimistic. I am. A fool. Deluded, I’ve been blind.
Maybe it took the sound of yelling to rock my boat. But the sound will always be echoing, mocking.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
I am just a person who stares into houses wishing to build a home.
I think I owe myself an apology. I’m sorry.
