The full weight; the full impact has hit home ground.
And I feel it, I really do.
You know; only people who have cried their hearts out understand this:
It translates into physical pain.
Actual physical pain; in the chest where I suppose the humanized organ called the human heart resides.
You see, I had a dream.
I had a plan, an ideal, which enraptured me like none other.
It set my soul on fire; something which could, for once in my entire life, actually be attainable and achievable and not subject to environmental circumstances.
The outside world had nothing on it. Nothing.
You don’t have to compete with others for a slot, a space for it to exist.
It could take form if you wanted it to.
That dream symbolized the beginning of the end of wanting, of needing.
It is in itself a form of completion, but a completion which would offer unexplored incompletion, and yet if more never comes, it is in itself; complete.
Fire catches easily, and it consumed me for a huge part of my life.
Flames give way to embers, but not this.
The flames just caught on and it became a reason to keep doing what I’m doing; it became a goal that made everything I am doing make sense and remain bearable at times when they weren’t.
I had all these dates, and plans, but maybe not enough realism.
Realism is the enemy of all dreams.
And as I look upon the path, I see it now has become a slope, and a treacherous one at that.
Dark clouds, dark clouds.
I am exactly where I am, I stand where I stood, but it is no longer within reach.
It always remains; just a little out of reach.
And it is killing me.
There are days.
Good days and bad days.
Days of optimism and days of realism.
It wasn’t supposed to be so complicated.
But somehow it has become just that.
There are so many things, so many reasons I don’t understand;
Their importance, when placed beside the dream, is absolutely nothing to me.
And now I’m seeing, right before my eyes, the gradual deconstructing of everything I’ve ever wanted, and all for what I perceive to be nothing.
Nothing changes everything.
Nothing changed everything.
Nothing is going to eat at my soul, little by little, until the dreams it was so full of;
Turns into nothing.