Inner workings.. made external

-The occasional conversations with my keyboard-

Dark Clouds

The full weight; the full impact has hit home ground.
And I feel it, I really do.
You know; only people who have cried their hearts out understand this:
It translates into physical pain.
Actual physical pain; in the chest where I suppose the humanized organ called the human heart resides.

You see, I had a dream.
I had a plan, an ideal, which enraptured me like none other.
It set my soul on fire; something which could, for once in my entire life, actually be attainable and achievable and not subject to environmental circumstances.
The outside world had nothing on it. Nothing.
You don’t have to compete with others for a slot, a space for it to exist.
It could take form if you wanted it to.

That dream symbolized the beginning of the end of wanting, of needing.
It is in itself a form of completion, but a completion which would offer unexplored incompletion, and yet if more never comes, it is in itself; complete.


Fire catches easily, and it consumed me for a huge part of my life.
Flames give way to embers, but not this.
The flames just caught on and it became a reason to keep doing what I’m doing; it became a goal that made everything I am doing make sense and remain bearable at times when they weren’t.

I had all these dates, and plans, but maybe not enough realism.
Realism is the enemy of all dreams.
And as I look upon the path, I see it now has become a slope, and a treacherous one at that.
Dark clouds, dark clouds.
I am exactly where I am, I stand where I stood, but it is no longer within reach.
It always remains; just a little out of reach.
And it is killing me.
There are days.
Good days and bad days.
Days of optimism and days of realism.

It wasn’t supposed to be so complicated.
But somehow it has become just that.
There are so many things, so many reasons I don’t understand;
Their importance, when placed beside the dream, is absolutely nothing to me.
Nothing.
And now I’m seeing, right before my eyes, the gradual deconstructing of everything I’ve ever wanted, and all for what I perceive to be nothing.

Nothing changes everything.
Nothing changed everything.
Nothing is going to eat at my soul, little by little, until the dreams it was so full of;
Turns into nothing.

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Turn my head;

But break my heart with mercy. 

This time around, the corners, the spaces held more meaning. The ghosts of us lingered, and, maybe it was best left that way.

Open-ended.

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I don’t like it okay?
I don’t like having to worry about someone so much, as though if something terrible were to happen to them, it would be like it happened to me.
Watching out for oneself alone is tiring enough. Recently, it feels like I need to close my eyes and not feel like another half of myself is running rampant, with the possibility of disaster around every corner.
Is this what it feels like to have kids?
I never want to spend my whole life feeling like this.
See, this is what opening yourself up to emotions does. Vulnerability. Hate it.

I don’t like it okay?

I don’t like having to worry about someone so much, as though if something terrible were to happen to them, it would be like it happened to me.

Watching out for oneself alone is tiring enough. Recently, it feels like I need to close my eyes and not feel like another half of myself is running rampant, with the possibility of disaster around every corner.

Is this what it feels like to have kids?

I never want to spend my whole life feeling like this.

See, this is what opening yourself up to emotions does. Vulnerability. Hate it.

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I think places hold memories; places are memories. Places are to memories what names are to people. 
I walk past that rooftop every night, and wonder if I could return to way back when; if i wished hard enough.

I think places hold memories; places are memories. Places are to memories what names are to people. 

I walk past that rooftop every night, and wonder if I could return to way back when; if i wished hard enough.

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Shiny happy people

I haven’t ventured far and wide this month, but that has worked out well, seeing how we want our dearest to be nearest this time of the year. 

December has been so so much kinder than November, in terms of the people I have been blessed to work with. I still remember so clearly how I was beside myself in dread for this particular operating pattern, knowing the sheer agony that lay ahead of me. So in spite of the non mobility of my roster, I have emerged from this month a lot happier and generally more optimistic about January. 

2013; I have set some goals to achieve. It is so easy to sit back into my new lifestyle; you better believe time flies when you follow a roster and not Weekdays versus Weekends. But I don’t want to waste the year ahead. Once I get comfortable and my job becomes more of a second nature, it’s time to get my life going on my days off. I do have a lot more free time than the average joe. 

I know many people vote to give themselves years to get settled into their job, but I think I can do both. I know I can. 

It’s only been 2 months, but already I am thinking: What’s next? I do not want to get too happy and complacent that I view my life within this sphere where everything’s perfect but … is it really? At what cost? Maybe I am being silly, but I have started thinking about the next crossroad in my life already. 

I am willing to have less, if less means having more of the things that matter. I have to constantly nudge myself to remind myself that the more I have now is to compensate for when I choose to have less in the (near) future. 

I am beginning to see how hard it is simply to have Life go the way you want it to. I must admit, my growing years have been far too kind on me. But if I do have one ability, it is to save well and dream big.

Till next time.

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