Inner workings;

Back to the beginning.

I am where it began. The benches are the same, the view is as I remembered, I think even the stars are aligned the same way.

But how far I have fallen. How far everything has fallen. I think sheer existence has never required such an effort. Breathe in, breathe out, tell me all of your doubts.

The lights are on in some houses like they were that night. I used to come down by myself and look into each house, marveling that within each window there is a space within which a family is built.

I feel like I am in a corner. Backed into a corner. I can’t move I can’t escape I can’t react. I can’t be the idealist I am. I’ve been questioned I’ve been challenged I’ve been called things.

But I just want to live. I don’t want to survive. That’s not enough. People always say I am foolishly optimistic. I am. A fool. Deluded, I’ve been blind.

Maybe it took the sound of yelling to rock my boat. But the sound will always be echoing, mocking.

I have nothing.
I am nothing.
I am just a person who stares into houses wishing to build a home.

I think I owe myself an apology. I’m sorry.

Feels like the weight of the world.

No more being a child. No more frivolous wants and plans. I am scared and it hurts to tear myself away from my dreams. Just thinking about it makes the tears come hard and fast. But maybe my dreams were too idealist in nature anyway. Maybe they never would have happened anyway. Maybe it’s better that I never tried.

How much of myself am I willing to change in order for something to work out? Will I be okay 20 years from now with not becoming who I wanted to be? Will I be okay with being a pillar instead of a sculpture? And what scares me is that I am willing. Because of my idealism, to make everything work out, I will. 

The burden feels extremely heavy to bear. I know I am not utterly alone, but I feel compelled to have to take matters into my own hands and find a way. Find a solution. Find a back door. Someway, somehow. To make that one dream, the one most important to me, come to pass. I have one last shot at making a dream come to pass. I am going to have to live differently from now on. I am going to have to make changes. I hate change, I really do. But it’s because I hate change that I am making changes in order not to change.

Just like that, life changes. Everything turns on a dime. Everything. 

I am trying not to be scared but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t.

The more people say it’s impossible;

The more I want to strive for it.

The more people say it’s not practical; the more I want to defy practicality.

The more people bring in considerations; the more I want to throw caution to the wind.

The more people wait for me to be proven wrong; the more I believe I might be right.

The worst day of my life

This is what I have to say to myself in about a month’s time.

Today was one of the worst days of my life. A dream of mine, however little in the eyes of others, is hanging on a wire and I have no idea what the outcome will be. But in a month, I will. The past few days have been a combination of sheer happiness and downright depression. Light and darkness can co exist equally after all. I made so many amazing new friends, but I was constantly missing the one friend I needed the most and I was reminded of it everytime something was announced and I looked for someone to hug in joy or lean on in fear and uncertainty. I have never felt so happy, and never felt so completely alone. 

But as of now, its suddenly all darkness and hardly any light, like someone hit the switch.

Depending on how another major part of my life works out, in a month I could be repairing something important to me, or trying to find my footing because I haven’t stood alone in so long and my muscles are probably very much weakened.

Today I learnt that I deal with the consequences of what I do. I learnt that no one will overlook my flaws and ugly side simply because they like me enough. This applies to company and person equally.

And the scariest thing I learnt is that I cannot trust so completely. I thought my days of fear were over; my days of being scarred by people who simply changed their mind and abandoned me overnight. But humans will be humans, and nothing done or said or written can be taken as it is. I operate on a system that believes a hundred percent in others once they say or do something. My attachment to gestures and words should not be so absolute because gestures fade away and words… words can be forgotten. 

I have went from one extreme of trusting to another of not trusting then back to trusting and now I am completely lost and shaken. Quite literally because I am shaking now in sadness and fear and anger at myself and disappointment with everything.

One week ago I would have painted my future for you. I could name names and help you visualise exactly what I saw in my mind’s eye. My goal, my end point. But now I am back where I was 2 years ago, when I literally saw my future as a question mark and the person I would walk down the aisle and spend my life with as a faceless figure in a tuxedo. I figured he has to at least be smart.

I am ashamed of the fact that I am 22 and still struggling with these issues. I am ashamed that I am 22 but right now I am 16-19 all. over. again. I am breathing deeply telling myself this is a terrible dream but I feel all of it too much to know that it isn’t.

If only one thing can be saved from these two, I told God to choose that one thing.

But …

I don’t know whether my newly rediscovered, previously dormant trust issue will allow me to live normally from today forth. Life changes in an instant, and everything turns on a dime. People change. Things change. Don’t be naive. Childlike faith is only applicable when it comes to God.