Finally some breathing space tonight after the major exams, but yet the night won’t be over until I complete 2 courses online in preparation for tomorrow.
I am mulling over the past month, while eating tasteless instant noodles that I accidentally cooked dry when it was meant for soup. Tiredness.
August can be most accurately described as one of the months you look back upon and wonder how you actually survived at all. The infusion of a whole new culture, and the struggle to find the balance and peace amongst it all. The complete newness in everything has us all scrambling to adapt like domesticated animals set free in the wilderness. But where there is will, there will be adaptability.
We all come as cookies shaped by life; some circles some stars some hearts some triangles. Yet, this pressure cooker atmosphere has us melted down to the most basic form - cookie dough. Sitting out the heat, waiting to see what we will become. Hoping that we never lose sight of who we used to be.
It is naive to think that office hours will not cause a compromise on time spent, but I have always been a naive optimist. Nights are hardly ever a option on the other end, and that leaves me with hardly any options anymore. I guess I am learning to take what I can get, and not count the rest as loss.
As the next landmark approaches, I find myself once again looking at the date and the year, doing my math and finding that what I have always wanted is slowly drifting further and further away, a wavering dot on the horizon. Nothing gets to me more than being a helplessly bobbing boat, with no control over the current and oars.
But I think that as this year approaches a close, and as time slips away as surely as it does, with the next brand new year I may just slowly give up on my dream. The math doesn’t add up anymore. We have wasted far too much time.
Trouble is, we (I) always like to think of ourselves as the exception to the norm, as “heroes” who can accomplish things faster simply because we think we are the most passionate. That “the world doesn’t make this easy or possible, but WE can because we want it enough.” I thought we were a solitary planet running on our own schedule. But now i see, we ARE the earth. We don’t orbit faster, or with more certainty. We are normal. And nothing, quite possibly nothing, cuts deeper than that for me. To know that exceptional has evaded us, that we operate on the same timeline as others, that we let ourselves drift along with the current instead of dictating it. Maybe it is simpler, but it is not easier for me at all.
It’s not that I am unhappy, I am content. But … can one be not content with merely being content?
At this point, looking at the steep downward curve that is time, looking at the calendar which reeks of a lost dream, I honestly can only busy myself with adapting. Where there is a will, there is a way of distracting oneself from the truth.
September, please go slow so the dream slips away slower.